having parents that were really angry and petty and abusive when you were young is weird, because it makes part of you grow up to want to be kind, to generate good things, to be a source of peace and wellbeing for others; but it makes another part of you grow up to be quick, and sharp, and spiteful, and that’s always the part that shows itself first in a hard situation, so it’s a struggle between your hateful gut reactions and your wish to not add any more misery to the world. it’s a hard balance, and the people who really, really know me - i know they see that anger flash in my eyes before i quiet it, if i quiet it…i want to overcome years of conditioning, and with gentle, constant force, i know i’ll mellow it. it just takes time.
i. you were a full moon and i loved you so effortlessly that i can’t remember how i fell into it, as if i was born into it, as if i had been incomplete and loving you fit back together my pieces.
ii. my mother tells me that girls are always tender to each other. i loved you when your hair was knotted and your lips were chapped and the two of us woke from frantic nights in high heels. i loved the dance you had while jumping into jeans. i loved the sight of you, all sour in the morning, sun shifting across your body, i loved hearing your voice over midnight phone calls. i loved you so wildly that i could pretend i loved you not at all. i loved you and said it often enough that it sounded simple.
iii. he was a broken mirror for you. seven months of bad luck you swallowed because you thought you had to. he was a cry you never uttered. i held you while you shook and spoke of him. we did shots. in the drunk dawn, lying against me, you whispered that you wished that we were dating.
iv. we danced together with our drunk fingers intertwined. you kissed me out on the balcony of his house. i remember all of the air leaving my body. there was no more room in me, i was all full of wanting. i remember you pausing, tilting your head back, laughing, saying, “this feels so good but it means nothing,” and i just kissed the hollow of your collarbones because i had never felt anything so good and alive before and if what you wanted was to break my bones, then i was ready for the pain to follow so long as for that one second we were suspended, just us two, and your palms and moans and warm body against me.
v. in the morning we were friends again, and i was in love with the way you ate breakfast and did your hair and sang to yourself in the shower. i was in love with your laughter.
i fucking hate dating nerds one single time i wore a star wars shirt to see a dude and he was like, “wow are u wearing that to impress me” and i said, “star wars episode 4 was seen by approximately 110 million people during its initial theatrical run in 1977”
Congratulations. You’re dating people who for the longest time have been putting up with bullying, mocking, and scorn for most of their lives. That kind of shit stays with people. So imagine their surprise when they see a member of the opposite sex, who I’m assuming is really attractive in comparison to most people, wear attire that reps nerd culture. Which even though is accepted by the masses (if you’re reasonably attractive) is still rare. Now I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to be scornful I’m just saying expect it and don’t be surprised when you hear it. Ok? OK.
why i dont date fucking nerds: exhibit B
Bolded emphasis mine. Gross.
Stands on nearest chair: ATTENTION MALE NERDS. YOU ARE NOT SUFFERING FROM A SHORTAGE OF FEMALE NERDS. THERE ARE VAST NUMBERS OF US, AND WE RARELY HAVE A HARD TIME FINDING EACH OTHER. YOU ARE WITHOUT FEMALE COMPANY BECAUSE YOU ARE WHINEY ASSBABIES WHO THINK YOU OWN THINGS BECAUSE YOU LIKE THEM, AND BECAUSE YOU SOMEHOW THINK YOU SUFFER BULLYING WHEREAS GIRL NERDS SOMEHOW NEVER DO. STOP PRETENDING YOU GET TO BE ASSHOLES BECAUSE YOU HAVE A “TRAGIC PAST” OR YOU WILL DIE ALONE. IF YOU THINK GIRL NERDS DON’T GET BULLIED IT’S LIKELY BECAUSE THOSE GIRLS DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, BECAUSE OF THIS SORT OF ATTITUDE.
also: fucking no one mocks nerds anymore. Game of thrones is the most watched show on tv, everyone and their mom is playing video games, dungeons and dragons is more popular than it’s ever been.
To conclude
PS: Lady nerds have ALWAYS BEEN HERE. Stop buying into Hollywood telling you poor bullied nerd boys deserve to get a Victoria Secret model just because they’re a poor bullied nerd boy. Who, by the way, usually has absolutely no shared interests with the nerd boy so not only does Hollywood tell you you deserve the Playboy bunny it also tells you that your beautiful prize won’t really get your nerdiness (because that’s the key–you’re a tragic misunderstood soul). So then you go into the world and see an attractive woman wearing a nerd shirt and think oh honey no you don’t need to do that to impress me I’m already willing to accept you as my prize and I forgive you for not getting how misunderstood I am because of my very special interests that only I understand. Waa waa.
Rebecca Yanovskaya is a freelance illustrator working in the fantasy,
sci-fi and horror genres. She frequently illustrates mythological
stories, natural forces, and aesthetically strong characters. Rebecca’s
influences include decorative arts, neoclassical and Pre-Raphaelite
arts, and theatrical costuming. Despite most artists in her genre using
digital and traditional painting tools, she has made the choice to
construct her pieces with ballpoint pen and gold leaf. As one of the
only primarily ballpoint pen artists working in fantastic realism, her
work is easy to identify. A combination of epic scope and
moody atmosphere define her signature style, in what can be described as
the “Art of the Sublime”.
Rebecca is a graduate of the Illustration program at Sheridan College. She lives and works in Toronto, Canada. Her Tumblr
